theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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