I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
Randomize
