hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
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