she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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