she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
