It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
