he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize