This dress was meant to end up on your floor
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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