Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
