I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Randomize
