omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
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