Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
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