Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Randomize
