just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
