You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
sex in a hospital.. check
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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