I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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