apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
