I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
