Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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