Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
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