he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
