I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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