I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
People in love make me want to vomit
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
don't judge my taste in strippers
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
