His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
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