you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Even the bartender felt bad for me
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Randomize
