Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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