Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
