LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
