why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
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