Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
