i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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