I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
