I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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