it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My cat gives me a boner
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
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