did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
