If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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