Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
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