Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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