the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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