Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
