i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
