if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Randomize
