I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Randomize
