just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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