Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
