the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Randomize