My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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