he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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