I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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