I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
love makes seman taste better
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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