there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Randomize
