I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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