I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
