I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize