So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
