Pregnant stripper...not hot.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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