Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Randomize
