You're completely useless in the revolution.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Randomize
