i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
