im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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