Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Randomize
